Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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