I wish my penis had an off switch
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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