all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
