I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
