i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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