Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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