Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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