maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
