I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
