My Higher Power is John Stamos
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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