Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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