I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
