yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
