If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
