Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
