We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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