he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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