I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
