mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Randomize
