the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
