In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
