last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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