Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
