omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just googled if crying burns calories
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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