Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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