I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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