I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
