Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
