if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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