there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
