hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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