They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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