But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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