Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
