what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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