Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
