He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
