Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
