how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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