Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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