We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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