He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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