Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
