our cab driver is having phone sex.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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