apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
