Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i dont even know how to be here
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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