dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
