I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
