Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
