Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
